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WOC & Beauty Carnival: Dating and crossing the line
"I'm just not attracted to black women."
He was expecting either a reassurance for his rationalization or an argument (he liked to argue). I really had not the patience or the energy for either. My mind already arrayed a variety of questions, like, "What about Beyonce? Halle Berry? Mariah Carey?" the usual range of white acceptable blackness, but you know, that really meant nothing.
Anyone who's willing to say that line, in Oakland, clearly had some serious issues (and clearly, serious blinders, cause really). I just dropped the conversation and kept it moving. My time is best spent not engaging with foolishness if I don't have to.
Let's be honest- there's people who you're "supposed" to date. Acceptability, mostly determined by your skin color, language, and economic class. When you step outside of that, you're going to catch shit. Between family, "community", and people who look like you(or who you're dating), somewhere, somehow you're going to catch shit.
Most people choose not to think about that. They date who they're supposed to date and never ask why. Some people internalize it AND also becom proponents of it. No need for subtle aversive racism for them- they need to "protect their race" from "dying out". Ironically, most of these folks need to really look back 3 generations- they're not as pure as they imagine.
But then there's those who choose to catch the shit and break the expectations-
Sometimes you make that choice because you're buying into the bullshit, like the mother who really wanted me to date her daughter because I was half white. Sometimes you make that choice because you're just fetishizing and looking to "collect'em all", like the white girl who says, "I really like asian guys" to me, as if that makes me feel special. Sometimes you make that choice because you're rebelling against the group, or the idea, but, you know, that's a poor place upon which to build a relationship.
And maybe, sometimes, you're making that choice out of love.
"Love is love is love is love"
She says it, she believes it. And I want to believe it. But through all these filters? I only see a phrase which has so many steps before you can understand it in context for it to mean anything- as much as "Can't we all get along" is used as a dodge for fucked up behavior. I can't say love is love, because love is only love if it isn't actually a word taped onto the stuff above.
"I love you" is a phrase I heard repeated so many times in high school, between the circle of 5 white guys who dated the same 5 asian girls. I guess each of them loved each of the girls the same way they loved the other 4- as objects, as fetishes, as special acquisitions, oriental treats. I'm sure the girls loved each of the guys as they loved the other ones too- interesting they didn't date anyone else given that the school was almost 50/50 white and black. Funny how all these people who don't see color manage to date only one color, all the time.
"I can't believe you're against racism and you'll only date asian women!"
Of course, I never said I would only date asian women- I only said I wouldn't date white women. How sad and how fucked up the mentality that if I'm not dating white women, I must mean I only date asian women. I even explained that a) this is a choice for myself, and not something I advocate to anyone else, and that b) it has to do with the fact that I don't feel like dealing with white privilege on top of everything else with a relationship. Somehow, my choice to not have sex with white people was racist- oppressing white people through denial of my cock.
Apparently, a lot of people hold my cock in much higher esteem than I do. And they've never seen it. I guess word gets around?
Actually, it's about the basic privilege issue of hearing the word, "No." It upsets the hierarchy. Everyone is supposed to lust for white women. I mean, Ming the Merciless, Fu Manchu, Long Duk Dong, dude from Vanishing Son and Chow Yun Fat in Pirates of the Carribean have totally proven the scientific fact that asian men are totally enraptured by the white wimminz, except we lack the savagery of the Brute or the Deviousness of the Jew to pose a real, credible threat.
My choice to say no dethrones white women from the vaunted prize position. It's not even about me- it's about me choosing to date WOC over white women, and not tied by some foolish "I can only date my own" logic. Cause, you know, no way would anyone sane choose say, a brown woman over a white woman.
"What about her?"
"She's not my type."
It took less than 2 minutes for us to figure this out. She only has white friends. She gives the barest of greeting. She can't let them think she might be interested in me, after all, then she won't get to date white men, they'll regulate her to a lesser status, "asian" instead of "honorary white". I watched her friends make the glances to her, they were gauging her reaction, and she couldn't let anything slip. She's "too white" for me, and I'm not white enough for her. I suppose it's nice that these things work themselves out quickly and easily.
"Why do you like me?"
I hate this question. I get it, I know it, I wonder it myself a lot. But damn. How do I explain why I find her beautiful? How she makes me laugh, smile and want to get lost in her eyes? No matter how many times I say it, I'm up against her lifetime of words telling her otherwise. Everytime I get this quesiton, everytime I answer honestly, I watch the same response. She pulls away like the rest, becomes more distant. She thinks I'm lying to her, she's distrustful. Maybe only subconsciously, but I'm an anomaly. I there because I want to be there, I'm not using her, I'm not fetishizing her, I'm not telling her who to be. The basic reasons for breaking the interracial dating line aren't there, and she can't compute it.
And so we fall apart. Just like the last 3 people I've dated. Damn.
Beauty?
I don't have any answers. Just a song that sticks in my mind:
You see, between you and I there's a thin line we stand by
But if we ever find ourselves on the other side
Then time will stand still and whole worlds will collide
We hardly know ourselves if we've got nothing to ride for
Struggle to live to the fullest and die for
And make love and wage war for.
He was expecting either a reassurance for his rationalization or an argument (he liked to argue). I really had not the patience or the energy for either. My mind already arrayed a variety of questions, like, "What about Beyonce? Halle Berry? Mariah Carey?" the usual range of white acceptable blackness, but you know, that really meant nothing.
Anyone who's willing to say that line, in Oakland, clearly had some serious issues (and clearly, serious blinders, cause really). I just dropped the conversation and kept it moving. My time is best spent not engaging with foolishness if I don't have to.
Let's be honest- there's people who you're "supposed" to date. Acceptability, mostly determined by your skin color, language, and economic class. When you step outside of that, you're going to catch shit. Between family, "community", and people who look like you(or who you're dating), somewhere, somehow you're going to catch shit.
Most people choose not to think about that. They date who they're supposed to date and never ask why. Some people internalize it AND also becom proponents of it. No need for subtle aversive racism for them- they need to "protect their race" from "dying out". Ironically, most of these folks need to really look back 3 generations- they're not as pure as they imagine.
But then there's those who choose to catch the shit and break the expectations-
Sometimes you make that choice because you're buying into the bullshit, like the mother who really wanted me to date her daughter because I was half white. Sometimes you make that choice because you're just fetishizing and looking to "collect'em all", like the white girl who says, "I really like asian guys" to me, as if that makes me feel special. Sometimes you make that choice because you're rebelling against the group, or the idea, but, you know, that's a poor place upon which to build a relationship.
And maybe, sometimes, you're making that choice out of love.
"Love is love is love is love"
She says it, she believes it. And I want to believe it. But through all these filters? I only see a phrase which has so many steps before you can understand it in context for it to mean anything- as much as "Can't we all get along" is used as a dodge for fucked up behavior. I can't say love is love, because love is only love if it isn't actually a word taped onto the stuff above.
"I love you" is a phrase I heard repeated so many times in high school, between the circle of 5 white guys who dated the same 5 asian girls. I guess each of them loved each of the girls the same way they loved the other 4- as objects, as fetishes, as special acquisitions, oriental treats. I'm sure the girls loved each of the guys as they loved the other ones too- interesting they didn't date anyone else given that the school was almost 50/50 white and black. Funny how all these people who don't see color manage to date only one color, all the time.
"I can't believe you're against racism and you'll only date asian women!"
Of course, I never said I would only date asian women- I only said I wouldn't date white women. How sad and how fucked up the mentality that if I'm not dating white women, I must mean I only date asian women. I even explained that a) this is a choice for myself, and not something I advocate to anyone else, and that b) it has to do with the fact that I don't feel like dealing with white privilege on top of everything else with a relationship. Somehow, my choice to not have sex with white people was racist- oppressing white people through denial of my cock.
Apparently, a lot of people hold my cock in much higher esteem than I do. And they've never seen it. I guess word gets around?
Actually, it's about the basic privilege issue of hearing the word, "No." It upsets the hierarchy. Everyone is supposed to lust for white women. I mean, Ming the Merciless, Fu Manchu, Long Duk Dong, dude from Vanishing Son and Chow Yun Fat in Pirates of the Carribean have totally proven the scientific fact that asian men are totally enraptured by the white wimminz, except we lack the savagery of the Brute or the Deviousness of the Jew to pose a real, credible threat.
My choice to say no dethrones white women from the vaunted prize position. It's not even about me- it's about me choosing to date WOC over white women, and not tied by some foolish "I can only date my own" logic. Cause, you know, no way would anyone sane choose say, a brown woman over a white woman.
"What about her?"
"She's not my type."
It took less than 2 minutes for us to figure this out. She only has white friends. She gives the barest of greeting. She can't let them think she might be interested in me, after all, then she won't get to date white men, they'll regulate her to a lesser status, "asian" instead of "honorary white". I watched her friends make the glances to her, they were gauging her reaction, and she couldn't let anything slip. She's "too white" for me, and I'm not white enough for her. I suppose it's nice that these things work themselves out quickly and easily.
"Why do you like me?"
I hate this question. I get it, I know it, I wonder it myself a lot. But damn. How do I explain why I find her beautiful? How she makes me laugh, smile and want to get lost in her eyes? No matter how many times I say it, I'm up against her lifetime of words telling her otherwise. Everytime I get this quesiton, everytime I answer honestly, I watch the same response. She pulls away like the rest, becomes more distant. She thinks I'm lying to her, she's distrustful. Maybe only subconsciously, but I'm an anomaly. I there because I want to be there, I'm not using her, I'm not fetishizing her, I'm not telling her who to be. The basic reasons for breaking the interracial dating line aren't there, and she can't compute it.
And so we fall apart. Just like the last 3 people I've dated. Damn.
Beauty?
I don't have any answers. Just a song that sticks in my mind:
You see, between you and I there's a thin line we stand by
But if we ever find ourselves on the other side
Then time will stand still and whole worlds will collide
We hardly know ourselves if we've got nothing to ride for
Struggle to live to the fullest and die for
And make love and wage war for.
no subject
The one time I thought seriously of crossing the color line, the guy... Well, suffice to say, that guy wasn't ready for *anyone*, least of all me--!
no subject
Parallel, I hear a lot of asian women say they won't date asian men, I guess supposedly because we're all addicted to the same sexist bullshit of the motherland. (Nevermind, you know, that we're just as many generations removed as the women...). I don't know, I mostly hear this from women who've either a) never dated an asian guy (hmm), or only dated one or two and had bad experiences (you know, because one proves the whole lot of us is no good).
Which I'm sure is probably the same for black folks dating each other as well.
no subject
oh, i know that routine!
no subject
I never even considered how much I get away with shit! Hmm...
no subject
The issue of the guy I know, he dates anyone BUT black women, so...