On Apologies and being an Ally

Like most hetero guys, I grew up with a solid dose of fucked up ideas, and perpetuated them.

Something like 10 years back, one of my closest friends came out as bisexual, and I was at a loss "what to do". I asked some dumb questions, like, "Are you sure?" and freaked out a bit on the inside with my own hetero-ness threatened with equally dumb worries like, "What if he likes -me-?"

Luckily, I didn't do anything too stupid, and instead of going, "Oh, you're one of -them- but you're 'different'", I was able to go, "Oh, I'm the one tripping here. People are people and this really isn't that big a deal, and I need to get the stupid out of my head."

Instead of making him an exception to my heterosupremacist world view, I changed it.

Working through all that, took a few years. But here's the thing... I didn't tell him I was doing this, I didn't tell anyone. It wasn't about making a show or needing approval that I was trying to do the right thing.

It was about me becoming worthy of the friendship and trust he gave me in coming out to me, when he hasn't to so many others..

Really, just like 2 years ago, I came to him and apologized for the stupid questions. It weighed heavy on me for a few years, because as I became more and more aware of what a dickhead I was, I was more and more afraid I had hurt him in my ignorance.

He wasn't even tripping off it, but the fact was for me to even get to making an apology, I had to change myself first, to make sure I wouldn't do the same thing again, so that the apology could have meaning.

I keep watching people do racist, sexist, and heterosexist stuff, and then turn around "Oh, I learned my lesson! I'm sorry!" the next day, as if the years of stupid that you've been indoctrinated with that let you even treat your fellow humans as less than human, could be so easily unlearned. And, those of us on the receiving end know you'll do the same damn thing again, because you've shown no desire or effort towards changing your thinking or your behavior.

Those of us who want to kick the kyriarchy always find ourselves digging out old programming, sadly finding we're not as far as we want to be. But the difference is, we keep fighting to overcome it, because it's worth it.

I struggled 8 years to even be worthy to attempt a single apology.

If you imagine you can learn to overcome a lifetime of programming overnight, you're lying and you're not apologizing- you're insulting people - as much as if you stabbed someone 102 times and then testified at the trial, "It was an accident".

And that's the opposite of being an ally.

Disengagement 101

After the annual fandom racefail, I want to talk about how we can engage in being proactive with dealing with anti-oppression work online, and at the same time, do what we need to in order to protect ourselves.

Doubting the Benefit

The problem we keep running into is that our goal is based in treating people with respect- you listen and consider their words, and you assume they're operating in good faith, from a place of cognitive ability and full agency.

But the people trying to silence us are doing exactly the opposite.

The answer is not that we stop doing these things, but that we stop doing it for people who are not doing it in return. Disengaging isn't about some bullshit moral high ground, being the bigger person, being more compassionate or forgiving or whatever.

Disengaging is about protecting yourself from the crazy.

Leave them on the corner

I often compare internet crazy with the screaming guy on the street corner: you don't reason with him, you can't help him, and all you can do is avoid him.

This isn't just me being mean, this is a reminder to myself about the fact that many people are beyond our help- if they are operating with full agency, then they're choosing to not listen and consider, and if they're not operating with full agency, then I don't have the mental health training to do anything for them either.

Also, I don't owe them anything. Should I spend this time trying to help someone who either doesn't want help or can't be helped, or should I spend my time helping someone who will use it? (including putting my energy towards myself?)

If someone tosses me a link to someone spewing crazy? I don't even read anymore. Why should open the door to people who are trying to hurt me, when I could go do something more productive like make a sandwich, rub my feet, or stare at a wall? This doesn't absolve them of their hate in any way, this is a survival tactic. I know the hurts will stay with me a long time, I know they won't think anything about me 2 months from now. Because I'm not a person to them.

What they really want

For the most part, the hateful people want one of three things, which they're mostly not aware of:

1) Attention & Reassurance: "Tell me I'm a good white person! Tell me what I think is ok!"
2) Servitude: "Please answer my 59 questions in long form. Even if I repeat myself or clearly didn't read the answers to previous ones. Don't worry, I'll be sure NOT to pass along what I've learned to the next person. KTHXBAI!"
3) Dominance: "STFU! Personal Attacks! Get back in your place you emotional / irrational / undereducated / militant / those people!" (There's also straight up epithets, but we usually figure out to disengage from those right up)

None of these attitudes are particular conducive to learning, listening, or comprehension, because they're all based in an assumption of supremacy. (Of course, they often try to trip us up with the infinite particulars that are usually a dodge in the first place...)

With the most recent racefail, it wasn't just dealing with the initial people, but then watching folks try to educate OTHER white folks about that behavior, which then spawned secondary, tertiary, etc. reactions of the above. In otherwords, the racism was like stupid plutonium reaching a critical reaction- each attempt to engage only cause more of these morons to hop out of the woodwork.

In the end, we get the usual history of supremacy: "Hey, look most people said this thing and agreed, therefore it's TRUE!", which we all know has historically proven to pan out well.

Taking Action

So how do we counteract this kind of bullshit without diving into 200 comment threads and going back and forth with the Bill O'Reilly's of the internet?

The Open Letter/The Open Post

Let's face it, the internet is a form of media, and like all media before it, has been used in ways that have furthered hate and lies, which then eventually, result in policy decisions that affect our lives. Misinformation kills and it doesn't kill equally.

Because people are furthering savage, hateful, insanity, we're out to further sane, civilized, humanity to each other.

The Open Post is pretty much the way to go when you want your words, analysis and context to be available to the general public. What you -don't- need to do is assume that everyone should comment. Or that -anyone- should comment. Maybe you need to consider your post like a book- I wrote it, and nothing says I have to engage with you. In some ways, no-comment open posts are very powerful - a person can read a bunch of comments and sometimes the comments will detract (even if agreeing with) from the piece.

The Open Letter, on the other hand, is what you do when there's a specific problem going on, and there's a specific person (or group of persons) and you're extending your last hand for them to stop showing their ass. Sadly, it's open because you're already pretty sure they're not going to listen and you're making it public in the hopes that other people, third parties, will be able to learn something from it.

In a certain way, it's baiting stupidity, because the reactions from the addressed persons almost always confirm the original points laid out in these things, as well as revealing further fail. Usually, along with it, comes a tide of other morons, who've decided to help defend the hate. Depending on your space, and your patience for foolishness, that may or may not be a tactic you want to deal with.

The Logic Bomb

If you've decided that -you absolutely must- say something in hostile space? Do this: Write a single comment, with a simple, single, strong argument. It can have links to information, it might just breakdown the fallacy of the logic.

And then don't read any responses.

I'd normally say it's really rude, but when you actually look at what these people want (again, see above), you quickly find out that after you don't respond, they ignore you and forget your points, even if they never addressed them in the first place- usually they go back to self-congratulatory BS and agreement with themselves.

The comment isn't there for them, it's there for anyone who might be able to see past their own privilege. It's not there to lay out the entire theory of anti-oppression- it's there to get a loose thread in the sweater of stupid so random person who comes along might realize there's something to be unraveled.

The goal of a troll is to cause suffering. Our goal is to cause thinking.

Amongst our own

I'd have to say the biggest things which have helped me, personally, have been safe spaces where we can do analysis of behavior without having to fend off the public at the same time. Or just to have the space to speak our stories and not have our voice be a target.

It really helps to be able to talk about advanced stuff, like intersectionality, or the differences in experiences by generation, or how classic stereotypes are repackaged and recoded, or how survival tactics might also include problematic collusion with oppression and a thousand other things that we can't get to when we're arguing against someone who says, "They don't see color" as if that helps someone shot in the back by a cop.

If there's one thing we can always do, no matter what fields we're working with, is to learn more, figure out this complex interlayered systems and how to dismantle them.

Mockery

Yes it's petty, yes it doesn't "gain us allies" and yes it's empowering and necessary.

When someone keeps digging a hole of stupid, when someone rolls their privilege into your space, when someone can't be bothered to be logical, when someone can't take the time to minimally research the thing they're talking about to talk -over- you...

You do not owe them "politeness". They're making an example of themselves, you're just pointing it out.

And if their feefees are hurt? They might want to consider everyone else whom they've hurt along the way. Or whether the mockery will result in policy decisions that will keep them from housing, school, healthcare or justice.

But privilege doesn't see that.

So laugh because it's so much better than writing back and forth with someone who makes you angry and calls upon hundreds of years of hurt as their weapon casually, because to them, you're not a person. And to me? Those people are a joke, and I'll take it for all it's worth.

Until...

Until someone finds the magical potion that makes people think, or at least listen, I hope this helps you lower your blood pressure and avoid getting wrapped up in the stupid.

For me, personally, I found the two real things behind me getting caught up in the past was the issues of trust and power.

There was a lot of people who I trusted to be better, to be smarter, to apply the logic I've seen them use in other situations, to stop doing hurtful things because "we're friends", who I'd keep -trying- to engage with, in the hopes that they weren't as brainwashed as they are, but in the end, I only ended up hurt and angry.

The lesser part was simply being tired of being silenced and verbally attacked. The foolish hope that maybe, if I was logical, patient and calm enough, I could get through, but once you realize its gotta go in the crazy box, you disengage.

Other than that, these are basically the tactics I've seen that work online.

Until folks are willing to stop ordering a plate of "equality for one", I'll see you around.